Good Night

I want to crawl in a hole,
I feel worthless and useless,
but I can't tell a soul.
If I do they will call me weak
but it is forgiveness
that I shall seek.
Not from you dear
but from myself.
I have self-confidence
but mostly self-doubt.
Inside I scream,
but it won't come out.
I don't know what is happening
I feel myself unraveling
and yet you just stare at me
while my mind goes traveling.
You can't see what is going on inside
believe me if I were you
I would run and hide.
I want to run myself
but I have nowhere to go.
You may think I am lazy
while others say I am crazy,
and I'm afraid you both are right.
You go and tell me to rest
but that is something I can't promise you
so I guess this is 'good night'.

Is This Fake or is it Real?

Is it just me?
Why can't you see
what you have done?
I want nothing to do with you
if I am not your number one.
You used me and I used you,
does that make us a perfect two?
I just want to scream out
maybe you can hear me if I shout...
They say actions speak louder than words,
if this is so then where do I turn?
When will I ever learn,
trust is something that is meant to be earned.
I am way too nice
and if there is a next time I need to think twice,
but you used me and I used you,
does that make us a perfect two?
Can you help me figure this out?
I just want to shout.
I do not know what to do,
honestly I have no clue...
How do you feel,
is this fake...
                        ...or it this real?

...

That Girl.

Hello non-existant fans of this site.  I just wanted to let you know that I am back.  You may know me, well most of you know me, as 'that girl'. She is the type of girl who was shy.  She would never raise her hand and would stumble upon words when the teacher called on her.  She was weak to the point where she would let people walk on her.  People who were supposed to be her friends would take advantage of her and stab her in the back.   I am now done with her.  I am sure that most of you, if not all of you, have been there before.  As you know, it sucks.  I just wanted to put it out there and make it clear that I am through with being 'that girl'.  I am moving forward with my life.  This post goes out there to everyone who has told themselves that they can't get passed obstacles that were in their way.  To people who have shaped themselves into being something that they aren't.  To people who were not true to themselves and let others control them.  I am not going to stand by and let someone else control my life, not any more.  This is my time to shine.  I am not just 'that girl', I am Lauren.

BEFORE

I am in a haze
in a fog
with a gaze.
My vision is all black and blurry,
Oh, someone please help me!
Someone please hurry!
Why won't this go away
like everyone else says
I can't let this last yet another day!
I NEED my life back
I am sick of this
need to attack.
I just want to shout
to everyone and yell out
THIS IS NOT ME
I AM NOT MYSELF!!
HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE?
Why can't I get a break?
This is not a piece of cake,
I am angry and depressed,
I just can't get a rest.
I want this to be DONE
I can't wait until this is over
I am sick of everyone else needing to cover,
for me...
I am going crazy,
truly I am not this lazy.
I dont know MYSELF anymore
I just want to shut the door
and go back to before.
I am way beyond done
I am THROUGH!!
I am so sick of fighting ME, MYSELF, and I (which is YOU!!!)
Silly girl...
Lauren you need to stop
before you combust,
and 'POP!'
I can't move on
with this still going on.
My faith and my hope is slowly slipping
no one understands
there are no helping hands...
Can't stop the fog
so very thick
I can't get out!
There is NOTHING I want MORE than to
go back to BEFORE.
when I was my happy self..
The real me!
When nothing was in my way,
if only...
I could go back to that day,
I wish
I could go back to...

...BEFORE...

Beautiful Lies

As I look back at the past
all of their wonderful faces
we went all different places
but it was too good to last.
I remember your gorgeous eyes
and all of the great moments
now that only torment me
because..
of all the beautiful lies
that I tell me myself and I.
I tell myself to hold on
cause it's the right thing to do
and they will miss you to.
but someday you wont miss them
and it will be okay in the end.
I want to go back in time
and press rewind
to when you were here
to pull me near
to when I believed in those lies
and go back in time
because now all i have left is the
BEAUTIFUL LIES.

Disappear

Sometimes I wish I could disappear
because I don't want to be here
I want to be a part of the air
the wind that rustles your hair
living life without a care.
Maybe then it would be better,
maybe it would be worse,
at least then I wouldn't be stuck
in this parallel universe.
People take advantage of me it seems
maybe they would listen closer
if they thought I wasn't here...
sometimes I wish I could disappear.

Get It Right

OMG!
You're the guy so get it right,
you talk to me first
or I won't talk to you.
I am sick of putting in the effort,
especially when you don't
even after all we have been through.
You have the nerve to say it is because I broke up with you
but that is no excuse
cuz you did this before that too!
Is it really too much to ask
for you to be happy around me..
for you to act excited to see me...
or for you to pay attention to me??
I shouldn't have to beg,
or plead,
especially if you love me
or so you say.
Why can't you see
all that you have done
and left behind?
Now that I am gone?
I actually thought
you treating me so bad
was okay,..
this is so sad.
How is it okay
to not text all day?
Your only attempt is to say goodnight?
That is not right.
I should not have to wait.
so I am not!
Omg! You are the guy....
So get it RIGHT.